And a partridge in a pear tree
During this season of Yuletide cheer and resolutions soon to be forgotten, I figure it would behoove me to share a few tips with my faithful readers. I am an excellent source of social grace, not because I generally possess it but because I am exceptionally sensitive to others’ shortcomings. If you heed my advice I can guarantee that I will not fantasize about egging your house or forking your yard. In addition you will have the joyous satisfaction of having my seal of approval and being a Good Samaritan.
Without further ado, the 12 steps you can take toward me not wanting to egg your house:
1. Do not tape that Volvo commercial with that alien child telling that incoherent story about a man with a tiny head and make me watch it over and over (this should be a freebie)
2. When we are at dinner please do not ever answer the phone (unless you are waiting for a call about your mother’s condition in the hospital)
3. Do not whine (especially if it is to get me to do something like vacuum)
4. Unless you are my mother, my teacher, or boss do not tell me what to do unless I ask
5. Do not vanish into thin air without any sort of explanation
6. Do not tell me something that you think I want to hear, say what you mean and MEAN it (this also should be a freebie, but apparently it is quite difficult)
7. Don’t ever be rude to a restaurant server unless she is rude to you first (this actually applies to anyone in the service industry)
8. Do stop to admire at least a few pets and babies during your day to day life
9. Do offer to carry something for a little frail lady
10. Do exchange kind words with a few strangers per day
11. Do offer to get everyone in the room a beverage when you rise to get one for yourself
12. Do return phone calls, e-mails, and messages in a prompt manner, if I am reaching out to you it means I miss you and want to hear from you
I think there should be something in here about singing at least one song a day.