I was recently perusing a children’s clothing/toy store when I spotted something called the Elf on the Shelf. I had heard mention of this Elf, but it wasn’t until now that I began to comprehend the concept of the Elf. Essentially parents move this little Christmas Elf around the house to offer the impression that the elf is Santas’s snitch monitoring the child’s behavior until Christmas morning so that their gifting level is commensurate to their goodness. It was then that I began to realize that most childhood traditions, much like Santa’s surveillance, are beyond a reasonable level of creepiness.
1. So we all agree that Santa is crossing some privacy barriers…and is a little bit of a stalker, but at least he brings presents so it works out… I don’t know this is iffy.
2. The Tooth Fairy? Gross. Why does she need so many teeth? Is she building a model of the universe created entirely of baby teeth? Psycho.
3. The Easter bunny? Also kind of a weirdo. Why is a giant bunny delivering baskets of poor quality candy? I mean I don’t hate it, but it’s kind of all over the place as a concept.
In addition to a tooth hoarding fairy, a creepy bunny, and pervy old guy, Kids also have to deal with Monsters in the closet and under the bed, the boogeyman, and the chicken pox. Conclusion: the life of a child is absolutely terrifying. Side bar, I love all holidays.
Recently I was honored to witness the engagement of two dear friends. It was a beautiful moment that will be remembered for all eternity. Picture it. Sicily Brooklyn, during the New York City Marathon… a handsome Irish lad took a knee, sacrificing his time to profess his love for all to see. Not days later I was thrilled to receive the call that my best friend was going into labor with her first daughter. And just 48 hours after that, I received the blissful news that I am an aunt yet again. Needless to say, just kidding I will say it, it was a big week. I was on a high from the said engagement and baby arrivals that I naturally began thinking about the most important moments in one’s life.
So there I was, contemplating those moments one finds oneself ruminating about on rainy days, the ones that create an ongoing slow motion montage that would be featured during a pivotal plot moment if life were a romantic comedy. Which it should be, but I’ll save that for a later post. I now present to you my top three most profound life moments.
- My first dream. I was sliding down a rainbow and when I reached the bottom I plucked from the ground an oversize, laminated, four-leaf clover. Rainbow? Slide? Lamination? What’s not to love and remember forever?
This dream was so off the chain it continually inspires my art. No I didn’t save this from my youth, I drew this a few weeks ago.
- The first time I realized my extreme heat disorder and sweat through my tee shirt. It was summer and I was practicing my dance routine and discovered I was covered in sweat from basically shimmying for 5 minutes. I knew then that I was doomed.
- The first time I realized I was a giant. I was in the first grade and my best friend confided she was frightened by my size. I subsequently was named the Jolly Green Giant, thought to be a teacher as a 5th grader, and overall harbored a feeling of extreme height awkwardness until college.
Authors note: As with all of the imperative topics I cover, this is mildly in jest. I have obviously had more key moments in my life. It is my prerogative to leverage my awkward younger self-moments to make me laugh now and try to reconcile them in a way that makes me feel like an evolved person. And that dream was literally earth shattering. A toast to more pivotal moments!