During this season of Yuletide cheer and resolutions soon to be forgotten, I figure it would behoove me to share a few tips with my faithful readers. I am an excellent source of social grace, not because I generally possess it but because I am exceptionally sensitive to others’ shortcomings. If you heed my advice I can guarantee that I will not fantasize about egging your house or forking your yard. In addition you will have the joyous satisfaction of having my seal of approval and being a Good Samaritan.
Without further ado, the 12 steps you can take toward me not wanting to egg your house:
1. Do not tape that Volvo commercial with that alien child telling that incoherent story about a man with a tiny head and make me watch it over and over (this should be a freebie)
2. When we are at dinner please do not ever answer the phone (unless you are waiting for a call about your mother’s condition in the hospital)
3. Do not whine (especially if it is to get me to do something like vacuum)
4. Unless you are my mother, my teacher, or boss do not tell me what to do unless I ask
5. Do not vanish into thin air without any sort of explanation
6. Do not tell me something that you think I want to hear, say what you mean and MEAN it (this also should be a freebie, but apparently it is quite difficult)
7. Don’t ever be rude to a restaurant server unless she is rude to you first (this actually applies to anyone in the service industry)
8. Do stop to admire at least a few pets and babies during your day to day life
9. Do offer to carry something for a little frail lady
10. Do exchange kind words with a few strangers per day
11. Do offer to get everyone in the room a beverage when you rise to get one for yourself
12. Do return phone calls, e-mails, and messages in a prompt manner, if I am reaching out to you it means I miss you and want to hear from you
I hate you. You robbed me of two perfectly good hours of my life during which I could have enjoyed any number of other films that would have been more carefully crafted than yours or at least most likely would not have made me want to hang myself from the movie projector. Did you not attend grammar school? During these glorious years I acquired many skills, one of which was how to formulate ideas. You see ideas (or thoughts) are generally things that you think of that are new and innovative. Generally you will think of one and then say aloud to your friend or neighbor “I have an idea”. At this point you will share this idea and it will elicit a response such as “Oh good idea” or “I don’t like that idea”. Never when you have an alleged “idea” should someone, such as the audience at Babel when informed the movie was based off the idea of some overpaid birdbrain in Hollywood, say, “What was the idea?” That means there was in fact no idea at all. Another concept covered in grammar school was the “idea” that in order to write a story there are a few guidelines one must follow. The first is that there should be a beginning, middle, and end to the story. If a story has a particularly poignant, yet abstract idea, perhaps this structure can be forgone, however as previously mentioned, for Babel this was not the case. There may have been a feeble attempt at an idea, but it was clouded over with absolutely asinine scenes filled with nude Asian preteens, make out sessions over bedpans, and a pre-pubescent Moroccan boy spying on his naked sister. I am fairly certain the point/idea that this movie was inspired by is the fear and misconceptions that most Americans have in terms of different cultures. I know you were trying to show how the media misconstrues events. I know you tried to humanize the issues of terrorism and immigration. But honey, you failed. I am no filmmaker, but I can tell you that this movie was so horrifyingly bad that as a die-hard liberal you couldn’t even convince me. Babel you were so awful I would almost consider becoming a Republican because of you. I hope you are happy.
As previously mentioned I adore little fuzzy animals! I just recently started volunteering at my very own Humane Society of Broward County. This basically means I get to play with fuzzy little kittens all day long. There are so many adorable animals, I hope if you are ever looking to get a pet you check out your local humane society! Check out some of my squishy friends( portrayed below) that I bonded with this past Sunday.
As you may or may not know I recently moved to Florida. This was and continues to be a very big deal for me because as one friend pointed out to me I am essentially the very incarnation of the Northeast. I am a cable knit wearing, foliage loving, clam digging, lobster cracking Northerner with a wicked affection for hippie towns and politics bluer than the Nantucket Sound. When I first learned that my new home would be Florida I was frightened the only clubs in town would be the NRA and the the KKK. I’ll admit I was slightly ignorant, but seeing the color red on any map makes my head spin with visions of Cheney and Rumsfield (good riddance) dancing round my head. It didn’t help that there have been a few voting scandals in the past as well. There are actually people walking around that don’t vote, using the excuse that their vote won’t be counted anyway. Faith has been lost, but I am here to tell you it can be restored. On Tuesday I experienced the most uncomplicated voting experience of my short, but important voting lifetime! Although the issues were obfuscated, probably due to the fact that candidates’ campaigns were based more on character claims than issues, there was not a chad (with or without child, hanging or not) in sight! I breezed through, pushed a couple of buttons, and pressed VOTE. After pressing this lovely button, I walked away with the satisfaction of knowing I had done my part and that I helped make the state a touch bluer. With Tuesday’s results I feel reinvigorated about our Country’s future. But I am also weary. It is clear that the president’s popularity was rapidly decreasing and that the faith of the country was wavering. I fear that the Democrats have achieved this success based on the recent failures of the Republicans. And although I am pleased with anything that makes Democrats look more competent I hope that we have the change that this country so desperately needs. A toast to our success! And a toast to our future successes as well!!!
Since I know that the entirety of my reader base consists of my family, you know how much I love animals. I don’t know from where this love was spawned, however it is extremely present and this love combined with my mild undiagnosed ADD affects my life daily. For example a normal day to day walk/convo with me will go as follows, ” Oh my god I am so sorry that you saw your boyfriend Billy making out with your cousin Rita last night… OH MY GOD A PUPPYYYYYYY (insert five minutes of baby talk and petting). Seriously I am really sorry about that, lets talk about feelings, “OH MY GODDDD A BASSSETTTTTTTT Hound” ‘ You get the picture. But I can’t help it, its as if when I see a little furball prancing along on a leash I temporarily black out and when I come too I am covered in fur and have a drunk happy smile on my face. I just love these guys, there little paws and fuzzy faces, and squishy tummies. Its probably because I am a very tactile person and they are just so SOFT!!!! I know I am not alone in these feeling (maybe in the extremity) as there are many statistics showing how higher levels of happiness and healthfulness can be attributed to pet owners. I can remember when I was having a particularly bad day my own late cate “Beauty” would always be sure to snuggle extra close (slash snuggle at all) and try to give me some extra lovin. Maybe Beauty couldn’t read a book or solve a math equation, but animals are extremely intuitive! Here is a fabulous little article about a program providing furry companions to war vets, which is great, but the pups are trained by Inmates! I love this wonderful idea. It is a win win situation. The inmates are able to do something practical and rewarding and are given companionship while the dog receives intensive training and then finally these well trained canines head out to help out the vets! It is nice to know that in a day where it seems generations are becoming slightly apathetic about doing their part and contributing to society at the least the fuzzies are doing their bit (however unwillingly). Long live the furballs!!! http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/31/us/31dogs.html?_r=1&th&emc=th&oref=slogin