Skip to content

Archive for

The Pastels are Making me Nauseous

I am not sure if that is how you spell nauseous, but I am sitting here in my home office… and the pastels are making me extremely dizzy and disoriented. Perhaps this is why every part of my training modules take me longer than the suggested time frames given. Yesterday I did not realize it was Friday until a friend mentioned plans of merrymaking halfway across the nation. It was at this point that I realized that for the first time in a long while I was going to be staying in involuntarily. So I immediately headed out to my only place of refuge that I have discovered as of yet. This was of course to the FedEX Kinkos across the street. ** Side Note** What a brilliant co-branding effort I must say. I was very much a fan of Kinkos on its own, but the FedEX Kinkos mega stores have proven to be extremely multifaceted and entirely helpful for me. Just last night for example I was permitted to send a FREE fax! You can also purchase over priced boxes and shipping supplies.** Anyway, so I journeyed to the FedEX Kinkos only to realize that I was the only person lame enough to be there on a Friday night at 9 pm. I now firmly hold on to the belief that it was merely the strong pity the clerk felt for me that he provided me with the free fax. This entire transaction/journey took a total of 10 minutes, which was slightly devastating since it was the only outing I had planned for the evening. Thus, my Friday night fun having was brought to an untimely end which came to a close as I was pulled over for speeding in my own parking lot. Please keep in mind that the speed limit is 15 mph due to the fact that some residents enjoy bike riding and leisure walking along the canal. I, being the cautious driver that I am, hover around the 15 mph limit at about 14 or 16 mph. This fateful night I happened to clock in at the higher end of this range (16 mph). At this point I was reprimanded by a cold Jamaican guard. Never have I been so turned off to the normally jovial accent as when I heard the words “Slow it down girl”. Thus, I was sent home with a free fax and a harsh talking too from my own security guard. As a result I proceeded to wallow in an a abyss for quite some time, trying to muster up some sympathy from close family. And now once again I am in my home office feeling quite odd as a result of the overuse of pastels in my residence. The only upside to this situation is the fact that from where I typically sit the view of my atrocious avocado stove is concealed. Thank god for the silver lining! Adios Mios.


So here I am in Sunny Florida. So far I have seen an alligator being wrestled, shopped at a flea market the elderly and destitute, and saw a portly female in a thong bathing suit. My living room is decorated with pastel sea horses and my bedroom with an obscene number of sheep. I have bonded with the FedEX man over our grattitude for the cool weather in Florida (compared to NYC it is relatively cool). I have given Helen a ride to the supermarket so she could fill her suitcase on wheels with groceries. I have been invited to tea with Inga, my Russian neighbor. I have had my car valet parked a distance that was shorter than me. I have paid bills, made dinner, and ironed. I have vacuumed and used the hospital corner method of bed making. I’ve written thank you notes and filed insurance forms. I have more suits than summer dresses. To me this is astonishing. Over such a short period of time, my life has been completely transformed. No more nights that begin at 11 pm. No more falling asleep to the sound of someone screaming about last call. No more waking up to the sound of excited chatter about the latest gossip. Most likely never again will I get home at 6 am or 3 am for that matter. Right now a good night consists of a bowl of ice cream, a glass of red wine, and Law and Order. And I wake up to the sound of silence. Or the knocks of FedEX. To give myself a little credit I have only lived on my own for 3 days, so it is my firm belief that my social calendar will eventually be filled once again. However, real world… I have arrived.