Airport Valet

I think it is time for me to blog out my newest addiction. It is something so instantly gratifying and exhilerating I am shocked more people aren’t hooked. It is called airport valet and please let me be the first to speak of its merits. I stumbled upon it one day at 6 am as I circled and circled to find a space before my very first business trip. The more I circled the more anxious I became. “Was I truly going to miss the flight of my very first business trip of my entire career??” I was not prepared to let that happen. Suddenly in the distance I saw it through the haze. It was like an epiphany scene from some cheesy daytime soap, but the emotion was real. I felt the world of weight lifted from my shoulders. The kind gentleman opened my door asked when I would return and swooped my car into the safety of the valet only parking spaces. And when I returned I stepped into my already cool car ready to return home. Once I tasted this sweet nectar of parking I told myself I would only use it that once, that I could save bundles by parking in the park and save lot and then take a shuttle to the airport. That is when it hit me…the words business expense dancing in my head… and things haven’t been the same ever since. So children if you can spare the 4 additional dollars a day and if you airport offers valet, I say hand over the keys and save yourself a headache!

whyyy

I also wrote a haiku to fully channel my confusion and angst… which I know I mentioned had subsided, I was saving face.

little friend ducky
no longer here on this earth
dis-int-e-grat-ed

and to think i almost got a kitten

Pictured above is the tragic event I endured just yesterday. After 24 hours of healing I am now ready to blog it out and share with the world (Hi Mom!) my pain. This is what happened. The above left photo features my one and only grow your own rubber ducky. This little trinket magically grows up to 600% of its original size in just 72 hours! How wonderful I thought to myself I shall keep close tabs on his progress and keep a photo journal of his growth. (Side note, the grime featured in my sink is not by any fault of mine but the previous owner of my apartment who has allowed the place to slowly evolve into the decrepid heap in which I now reside) But I digress.. Delighted with Ducky’s growth after 12 hours I decided to feed him fresh water. After refilling his growth sink with some clean hot water I went to continue my gruelling work day. At approximately 5 pm I went to check on Ducky’s progress only to find him in the alarming state pictured above right! I was horrified, why would the big man upstairs take away my only friend in the world???? MY beloved Ducky! After my anger subsided I was disheartened to realize that I could not even grow my own rubber ducky. All I had to do was add water and let it sit for 72 hours. It is so sad to see something you have formed a bond with disintegrate into a tub of water like that. I mean look at his little innocent eyes and baby beak, nobody deserves that. I have a palm tree and I am frightened it too will not make it much longer…fortunately it rains every day so I think it gets watered by itself. I have taken a photograph which I consider to be a metaphor of my pain and confusion over this event. It will be featured in an above post, because it is getting very confusing to add these photos without another one dissapearing…

not my apartment

the below is not actually my apartment…reality is much more peachy…rosy…pale.

And also

The water is yellow.

CAUTION, this post is most likely offensive!

Children, this post is not for the thin skinned…the problems have outgrown the pastels. I have toned down the apartment with slipcovers and my edgy and progressive artwork. I did however breakdown and purchase a palm tree today with visions of a Christmas card featuring me in a Santa hat in front of it in my head. Anyhow, I have masked the Golden Girl-esqueness of my bachelorette pad as much as humanly possible. Now that I have worked my magic on my home office I have started to explore my new home town. And low and behold I have discovered a few “issues” that I have, which will be listed below.
1. People from the South claim Florida is not the South, although its as far down as you can go… I was rudely alerted to this fact while innocently ordering a sweet tea in Charleston and mentioned I had recently moved. In my mind all this means is that we get the hicks without the Southern charm…. how pleasant for Northerners. If I am going to move my butt down here from Connecticut I think I deserve a little door holding, a few “Ladies firsts”, and some friendly banter.
2. The DMV or RMV as it is known elswhere in the country and most likely world is labeled here as”Drivers Licenses” and at my “Drivers Licenses” hut the sign is painted onto a piece of corrugated carboard.
3. The govener that slated to win this year’s election is endorsed by the NRA… this fact apparently accounts for a large portion of his popularity with the people.
4. Everyone says that there is a slower lifestyle here and I am forced to ponder why this is a positive. Is it so we can enjoy the 200% humidity even longer?
5. 71 year olds apparently go to the same bars as 20 somethings. Not charming Mr. Rogers types that are hard of hearing and attend potlucks… you don’t even want to know.
6. There are no laws stating you can’t carry a concealed weapon, drive a motorcylcle sans helmet, talk on a cell phone while driving, or smoke in a bar…but there is a law making it clear you cannot have an alligator on your property.
7. I have yet to find a homosexual or an asian, this limits my friend pool quite dramatically. This also limits my dining options. There are actually restaurants here called “Thai Sushi”… this frightens me.
8. I have yet to find a hippie. I have heard there is such a breed as a beach bum, which is quite similar, however there is narry a beach bum nor hippie in sight. This means that the only “farmer’s market” in sight is actually a government high rise.

So there you have it folks, all of my friends have apparently been shot by the govenor. I am hungry, hot, and without fresh produce. This photograph that I was fortunate enough to capture while driving (hey no law is stopping me) says it all. Not surprisingly people can smell my Northern roots a mile away and I get the old ” You aren’t from around here are you?” line frequently. Well y’all, lets face it, I am most definitely not from around these here parts and so far thats alright with me.

The Pastels are Making me Nauseous

I am not sure if that is how you spell nauseous, but I am sitting here in my home office… and the pastels are making me extremely dizzy and disoriented. Perhaps this is why every part of my training modules take me longer than the suggested time frames given. Yesterday I did not realize it was Friday until a friend mentioned plans of merrymaking halfway across the nation. It was at this point that I realized that for the first time in a long while I was going to be staying in involuntarily. So I immediately headed out to my only place of refuge that I have discovered as of yet. This was of course to the FedEX Kinkos across the street. ** Side Note** What a brilliant co-branding effort I must say. I was very much a fan of Kinkos on its own, but the FedEX Kinkos mega stores have proven to be extremely multifaceted and entirely helpful for me. Just last night for example I was permitted to send a FREE fax! You can also purchase over priced boxes and shipping supplies.** Anyway, so I journeyed to the FedEX Kinkos only to realize that I was the only person lame enough to be there on a Friday night at 9 pm. I now firmly hold on to the belief that it was merely the strong pity the clerk felt for me that he provided me with the free fax. This entire transaction/journey took a total of 10 minutes, which was slightly devastating since it was the only outing I had planned for the evening. Thus, my Friday night fun having was brought to an untimely end which came to a close as I was pulled over for speeding in my own parking lot. Please keep in mind that the speed limit is 15 mph due to the fact that some residents enjoy bike riding and leisure walking along the canal. I, being the cautious driver that I am, hover around the 15 mph limit at about 14 or 16 mph. This fateful night I happened to clock in at the higher end of this range (16 mph). At this point I was reprimanded by a cold Jamaican guard. Never have I been so turned off to the normally jovial accent as when I heard the words “Slow it down girl”. Thus, I was sent home with a free fax and a harsh talking too from my own security guard. As a result I proceeded to wallow in an a abyss for quite some time, trying to muster up some sympathy from close family. And now once again I am in my home office feeling quite odd as a result of the overuse of pastels in my residence. The only upside to this situation is the fact that from where I typically sit the view of my atrocious avocado stove is concealed. Thank god for the silver lining! Adios Mios.

Relocation

So here I am in Sunny Florida. So far I have seen an alligator being wrestled, shopped at a flea market the elderly and destitute, and saw a portly female in a thong bathing suit. My living room is decorated with pastel sea horses and my bedroom with an obscene number of sheep. I have bonded with the FedEX man over our grattitude for the cool weather in Florida (compared to NYC it is relatively cool). I have given Helen a ride to the supermarket so she could fill her suitcase on wheels with groceries. I have been invited to tea with Inga, my Russian neighbor. I have had my car valet parked a distance that was shorter than me. I have paid bills, made dinner, and ironed. I have vacuumed and used the hospital corner method of bed making. I’ve written thank you notes and filed insurance forms. I have more suits than summer dresses. To me this is astonishing. Over such a short period of time, my life has been completely transformed. No more nights that begin at 11 pm. No more falling asleep to the sound of someone screaming about last call. No more waking up to the sound of excited chatter about the latest gossip. Most likely never again will I get home at 6 am or 3 am for that matter. Right now a good night consists of a bowl of ice cream, a glass of red wine, and Law and Order. And I wake up to the sound of silence. Or the knocks of FedEX. To give myself a little credit I have only lived on my own for 3 days, so it is my firm belief that my social calendar will eventually be filled once again. However, real world… I have arrived.

I’m back!

For the past few days I have been journeying throughout a land I like to call Florida. As you know this is to be my new home in a few short, but activity filled weeks. While in this wondrous place I was able to find myself a home and learn a bit about the area. I must admit at first I was a bit nervous about the move with visions of alligator nibbles and Bridge nights taunting me through many a sleepless night. Mullets and pastels nauseated me during each morning meal. Sun poisoning and monsoons gave me goosebumps and ulcers. But after four days in my new home town I can assure you I will be a-okay. After many a fact seeking mission my partner in crime and I counted at least 3 people under the age of 30, this is a good start! And if they are ever for some reason unavailable to socialize, BINGO is being played at any given point during any given day. This is excellent because not only am I am excellent BINGO player, I also have been known to be a superb BINGO number caller. So either way I am set for life. And in terms of the whole tack factor, it turns out Floridians actually have quite a keen sense of style so I will feel right at home. I was fortunate enough to find a furnished apartment under my budget that is move- in ready. For those unfamiliar with the term, this means I basically can pack a duffle bag and I am good to go! Forget furniture buying, painting, or decorating, this baby ready. Luckily I was able to take a few pictures so I can share my bliss with all of my faithful readers.

for future reference

If you know me or anyone else that may be moving to Florida here are some tips on what to say and not to say about this move. Do Say, “Wow that is exciting, I can’t wait to visit”, “You’ll get so many visitors”, “What a fun place to move after College”, “I am jealous”, “I’ll move there with you”, “You are going to be so successful, tan, and beautiful down there” (note you can say this even if it is impossible for this person to become tan due to pigmentation complications), or you can also say “I know such and such person that lives there, I will tell them all about you and you can become best friends”. Please refrain from saying, “Oh be careful of the aligators”, “Oh I just heard about this guy that got eaten by an alligator”, “I just read about a girl that lost her hand to an alligator”, “What?! Be careful of the hurricanes”, “Ohhhh did you hear about this huge hurricane that maimed a baby”, “Ohhh but aren’t you going to be SOOOO hot?!?!?”, “What?!?! you are moving all by yourself?? Aren’t you scared?? BE CAREFUL”, and finally “Oh my god Florida??? I just read a story about how during a hurricane this single girl’s condo blew away and an alligator bit off her face.” Please head this advice carefully, it will grant you great success in conversations about this topic in the future. Happy Chatting!